2004-02-04 - 5:45 p.m.
I have been thinking along a certain track of thoughts lately but everything is still so jumbled. I'm tired of my job but I can't quit because I need to make moolah for going to Scotland. I don't know what to expect from going abroad and right now it is more of a stress than something I am looking forward to. I am disappointed in the election results. I didn't expect to feel so let down. And it's not just what I expect out of the next few years because of the people put in office and the legislation passed that upsets me, it is the people who voted it that way and their reasoning. Oh I don't want to get into it. The thoughts riding around in my head just make me want to watch mindless television or go to sleep. I don't know how to articulate what is bothering me, because it isn't just the elections or anything. I've been thinking a lot about the people I know, the people I am friends with, the people I love. And this generation. Us young people. What we're told and what we're sold and the options for us and how I hate to watch mental illness chip away at people. People sometimes complain about the apathy of youth or how we just don't care but I think it's a matter of caring too much and a matter of what we're forced to care about and what we're trying to be forced to care about. If we're not "getting involved" it might have more to do with what we are expected to get involved with that not caring. There are high costs for caring. I don't want the point of my life to be to make money to buy things. I don't want to feel bitter. I don't want to feel depressed and hopeless about the state of things. I don't want people to hate...this world, this country, the people in charge or themselves. I don't know if it's possible to expect people to just be okay with everything though. There's a lot wrong. We've grown up with a lot wrong and maybe in a different way than before and it's sunk into us. Gotten into the way we view everything. It's like how Georgiana called us the "post-divorce generation" and asked what there was that we could count on and trust. When I feel the effects I just feel tired and old. None of the energy and optimism of youth. I don't always feel this way. But I felt it today. Though mostly I just think about how the best and brightest are for some reason so tortured and I want to help people but I don't know if there is a way to help. I think there are too many factors and too much hurt and too much past for it to be something I can deal with. I feel like it's all walking on eggshells and maybe we're all just a step away from losing it completely. A step away from tragedy. I don't know if I said a single thing that really expresses how I feel or even that makes sense. Oh well.
