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2005-04-21 - 8:16 p.m.

I think when I walk by myself and I want to think that I organize my thoughts in the form of a diaryland entry. Bizzarre. Especially since I would neve feel comfortable writing these brain entries here. So sometimes I write e-mails to myself. Sometimes I write in my real journal. Sometimes I talk to a friend.
But, I have this diary for a reason, I am sure. I need to figure out a way to make it work for me. For it do what I want.
Here are some scraps from the e-mail I wrote to myself...'Glasgow is as pretty as I have seen it. The weather yesterday and today has been primarily sunny. Not warm, but the air temperature does suggest spring. All the trees are budding and blossoming. There are flowers everywhere. These glorious tulips. Little hidden flowers among the mossy stones on Kelvin Way. The way the light is, because of the late sunset here (on account of how far north I am), the same as it would be at this time of ~7:00 in the summer. So I�ve been thinking about summertime. And the people who have filled my summers are not here. So I feel lonely... I feel old. In a way that I recognize as being partly silly. Silly because as I was walking here I thought to myself, �I think I must be feeling the loneliness of old age.� And then I had to laugh at myself because I am only twenty-one! But I do feel as though I have aged a lot in the last while. Even in the past week. In a way, I can be self-congratulatory about it: �I�m so much more mature!� but also I always mourn the energy and brightness and hope I associate with youth that I (sometimes) feel dimming in myself as well. As I become more practical, more balanced, more realistic. And I know I am still so young and that maybe everything I have said is something that I will discard�and be happy to move on from�in the future. I don�t know.'
I am going to the Isle of Skye for the weekend. I went to London last weekend. I have to figure some things out.

 

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