2005-05-04 - 2:25 p.m.
I rail and rail against reality but it doesn't change anything.
When I went to the therapist the first time, the reason I gave my therapist was that I felt a huge disconnect from my body. This was a physical thing. I was also having panic attacks.
I feel the same things sliding into place now. Minus the panic attacks. But sometimes when I stop and stay still it feels as though my body is hurtling backwards through space. And I can feel the tension in my stomach. The tension of forcing myself to do what I don't want to do (and what I feel like I can't). The tension of forcing myself not to feel what I feel. The tension of going against my instincts. I hate this feeling. The effort it takes to cram cram cram things back down where they don't hurt so much when I know they will come out anyhow.
It is impossible to be true to myself. I have ruptured.
So then the question is, what to do now?
