2005-07-15 - 5:05 p.m.
I finished reading 'The Half-Blood Prince' less than an hour ago. I was shocked by it! Even though I guessed a lot more of the plot than I had with previous Harry Potter books. I also cried for the last forty or fifty pages of the books, and was still crying after I finished.
But I don't really want to talk about Harry Potter (at least for the moment)...
The past week and a half I've read diaryland with such relish, because everyone seems to write interesting and beautiful things. I've never been able to manage that (on here), but that's okay. I think I am starting to recover from the darkest period of my life but then I can't be too sure because...well, I just know I am still not well. [And Spencer asks, "What do you mean 'not well?' How can you be sure?" And I think he thinks I'm wrong.] And feeling fundamentally unwell makes for a complicated lens to view life through. It is hard for anything to seem real. Except for that I do know I love Spencer. But I don't know what that means. And I don't like to think of us as together again, as he has been doing this past month. I did realize though that what I used to feel about how I wished I could write diaryland entries that people would like a lot or ones that would reveal more of myself to others so that they'd be more interested in being my friend or being closer to me...all that need to impress...is mostly evaporated. Mostly, I just care what Spencer thinks of me. And I know what he thinks of me. And it makes me feel satisfied. Except for the nagging worry that I am too dependent on him. But I am not saying that my fundamental self-worth hinges on him (because I don't think it does, I think I take care of that myself). I just mean that he calms 95% of my anxiety and insecurity about people who are not me.
That being said, there are still people whose interest in me seems like such a prize...the dangling carrot? So people like Gigi and Kari still fascinate me with their loveliness and with diaryland wordcraft.
And I love being in New York with Georgiana even if our fun summer of togetherness hasn't had a chance to really take off yet (oh just you wait, George, I'll start reading Proust right now!).
The late afternooon sunlight is so beautiful and I don't know what I need.
