2005-10-22 - 8:07 p.m.
Courtesy of youarenotcrazy.com:
If he claims he's "changed" but hasn't done the nine steps below, he's not really changing. He's manipulating.
1. Admit all his abusive behavior. This includes emotional, sexual, or physical abuse of present or past partners. He must stop suggesting you are "acting hurt" because you are unstable, weak or stupid, and stop implying you're trying to turn people against him because you're jealous or resentful of him. He must acknowledge the good in you and any other person he's abused, rather than try to save face by insisting all his "abusees" are instigators or bad seeds. He must stop all denial and minimizing, including questioning and rebuffing your memory of the abuse.
2.Acknowledge his behavior is a choice, not a loss of control. He needs to recognize that during each incident he gives himself permission to be abusive, and then he continues to choose how much to let himself go.
3. Acknowledge that his abusive behavior was wrong, unconditionally. He must identify his typical justfications, and admit they are just excuses to be abusive; like "I just lost control" or "I was just trying to get you to listen!" He can no longer try to defend his abuse by pointing out how much you get on his nerves (emphasizing how victimized he is by your 'annoying' beavior). He needs to explain in detail about why his behaviors are totally unacceptable, stop blaming you, and make a heartfelt apology. He must stop asserting that your reactions to his abuse are abusive to him. He must admit he know that your self-defense, blunt honesty about his hurtful actions, or refusal to be bullied is NOT abuse.
4. Recognize the impact his abuse has had on you, and show empathy. He needs to discuss in detail the immediate and enduring effects his abuse have had on you; including your fear, distrust, depression, anger and loss of freedom and other rights. He must face you to validate your pain, knowing fully he caused it. During this empathetic description of the damage he's done, he can't revert to self-pity, talking about how painful the experience has been for him. Apologizing is critical; but he also has to recognize that being genuinely sorry is just he beginning, and meaningless unless he seriously examines the swath of destruction he has caused.
5. Make amends for the damage he's done. He has to develop a sense that he is in debt to you and your children as a result of his abusiveness. He can begin reparation by being consistently caring and supportive, talking with people whom he has misled in regard to the abuse in admitting to them that he lied, putting your needs before his own without expecting to be congratulated for it, and many more actions related to cleaning up the emotional and literal messes that his behaviors have caused. As he does this, he needs to accept that he may never be able to fully compensate you. Identify in detail his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes. He needs to speak in detail about the day-to-day tactics of abuse he has used. Accept the needs to give up his privileges and do so, this means saying goodbye to double standards.
6. Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a life long process. At not time can he claim he is done by saying, "I've bent enough." or complain that he's sick of hearing about his abusiveness or control and ask when you're planning or going to get past it. He needs to come to terms with the reality of working on his issues for good, and that you may feel the effects of what he has done for many years. Equally important, he must be able to identify his underlying beliefs and values that have driven those behaviors, such as considering himself entitled to constant attention, looking down on you as inferior, or believing that men aren't responsible for their actions if provoked by a partner.
7. He must treat you well from now on. He must honor a commitment to never repeat his abusive, manipulative, coersive, belittling behaviors. His improvement is not dependent on your good behavior--such as saying that he won't call you names as long as you don't rasie your voice to him. If he backslides, he cannot justify his abusive behaviors by saying, "Yeah, I screwed up, but for the three years I behaved, don't I get credit for that? You expect me to be perfect?!" as if his good behavior is chips to spend on occasional abuse.
8. Abandon his distorted, negative picture of you and swap it with a more positive and empathetic view. He must stop asserting that your reactions to his abuse are abusive to him, proving he's justified or excused. He must recognize his thought pattern that focuses on and exaggerates his grievances against you. As a result, his preceptions of your weaknesses tend to be quite harsh and unforgiving. He needs to compliment you and pay attention to your strengths and abilities.
9. Be willing to be accountable for his actions bost past and future. He is no longer above reproach, and this attitude must be replaced with a willingness to accept feedback and criticism about any backsliding.
