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2005-11-28 - 7:28 p.m.

I was reading something (I think it was yesterday, but it might have been today) about how the true meaning not forgiving is hoping that someone WON'T ever see the light, that he won't utilize the atonement, and that therefore he will be damned. It's literally wishing someone would go to hell.
I don't think this is the case with me. At least, not right now. Right now I feel much more inclined to force upon those who I am (having trouble) forgiving a recognition of what they have done. I want justice.
And wanting justice doesn't seem like a particularly evil or unrighteous thing...it seems, well, just. But maybe my righteous desire is tainted by some pride + vengence-seeking. ("Vengence is MINE!" sayeth the Lord)
Luke said (about something else) that I should try to just let things go. Which is good advice in this instance too but I feel like my corrupt self so easily twists it too...
I mean, I know that people who are messed up get what's coming to them. Not even speaking of eternal justice or whatever (which is also comforting to think about, but often seems to distant), but someone who sexually assaults girls is going to have problems down the line, same with someone who emotionally abuses his girlfriend, lies to his family and friends, is manipulateive, someone who uses people, etc. etc. These people are never going to have a rich, full life of love and happiness. Unless something changes or gets fixed and that's what justice is all about. So maybe I should just be "satisfied" knowing that certain people are really messed up and that that will be punishment enough. But I don't feel like it is because there's no recognition of wrongs.
So is it wrong for me to wish I could see the people who have hurt me realize (to some extent) what they have done?
If it is wrong, is it wrong because it is based on wrong desires or is it more that it's hypocritical because I am imperfect and have hurt other people (and probably have not realized and been made to pay or whatever)?
Am I horrible person? Am I being punished for being a horrible person (without realizing it) by the bad stuff that happens to me? Am I reaping what I sow? Is justice/vengence happening to me?

 

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