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2006-01-01 - 5:06 p.m.

So Happy New Year.
One year ago I arrived in Scotland after an all night flight and a day of travel from London to Edinburgh. The five months I spent in Scotland were the most alone I've ever been. I loved Scotland, and I experienced some of the best times I've ever had there, as well as far and away the worst times I've ever had.
It is crazy to me that a year has passed. It is crazy to me how quickly the year 2005 went by. Since my birthday is so close to New Year's, each calendar year that goes by is always linked to the age that I was. I am a young chuck still, but more and more I look back on stuff that has happened to me, stuff I've gone through, and stuff I've done and think, "But I was so young."
I don't know what this year will bring, even though I know a lot is going to change (I am going to graduate for one thing--I will probably move and may leave the country for other things). I don't know what I want this new year to bring. I don't know what I want out of being 22. I don't know what I want period.
A lot of people know what they want out of life. They have plans. They know what they want careerwise. They know who they want to be and who they want to surround themselves with. I am not sure if I do or not. I don't feel like I have a calling or a mission or something that I am passionate about. The only thing I can think of, and this is cheesey, is that when I was in love I would always think things like, "This is what I was born to do." I don't know how that translates into anything realistic or do-able. Plus the whole thing was a fiasco anyhow.
I don't think the future has ever been open so wide to me. And it is exciting, yes. I am grateful to have so many opportunities and pathways ahead of me. I am privileged. But I am scared.

 

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