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2006-01-29 - 12:26 a.m.

Not my cup of tea.
In other news: twice I have gone out for drinks, and both times a (different) trio of people, two men and one woman, has sat with me and my friends and offered to buy us drinks. Why is this?
Why is it that sitting there, watching all these adults talk and laugh and have their Saturday night out that I felt so defeated and sad? I was dressed to kill, I was with good company, I was charming and witty. And it made me so depressed.
Earlier today, I was lying in a patch of sunlight on the window seat of one of the most gorgeous rooms at Scripps. I was reading and I was thinking about how what I was doing was so cliche and so unreal.
So much of my days is spent doing things that I don't think of as real. Is this weird (that I think that)? I mean, what on earth DO I count as real? (I know the answer to this, actually, and that's what scares me the most. Because I do not think very many people would agree with me. I want someone who understands...bah! I hate this. I hate thinking this. I hate all of it. We had it all. At the very least, we had a chance at it all...Whatever it takes to get over losses [real losses, of any kind] is not worth it to me.)
Maybe I should move this entry to my other diary? Why do I have more than one diary--neither is a very good reflection of who I am? Why can't I do what I want? Why can't I do what I need to do?
Why does the Pooper (who I caught today but didn't have the guts to say anything to) torture my soul? How can I be so happy, feel so healthy, have everything be going so well for me and then also simultaneously feel like I am living unreality, that I am losing my chance at the life I want, that I am being defeated (by the Pooper! just kidding)? Why is it that I feel like taking myself so seriously and wishing everyone else did too but I also just want to crack a lot of jokes and be funny and witty and charming?
Oh man this is so stupid. I am going to bed. I had a really good idea for an entry (actually a couple of good ideas), but I feel like being stupid and boring and dumb on diaryland, rather than writing anything I would really want to stand behimd. Why is this?

 

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