2006-02-06 - 12:20 a.m.
I have an entry about Harry Potter rattling around in my head, but instead tonight I will post an excerpt from an e-mail I wrote nearly a year ago:
"Just had a lecture about the sexualities of modernism. I think right now, if I had the chance, I would change my major to women's studies. Maybe that's just an expression of something else, though. I should just read up on stuff on my own. Think it out on my own. Because what I really want is for me to figure out what I want it to mean for me to be a woman. And what I think it means to be a woman in general. And what it means to be a man. And how I want gender roles to work in my relationships. And stuff like that. I couldn't help but think of your questions about the life I want to create for and with my [possible future] children. I think it's hard for me to answer that question without thinking about the life I want to create for myself. And the life I want to create with my partner.
I remember one time you were talking about how Dean Duncan said that having children was a really concentrated form of activism. And I was so furious at you for saying something to the effect that what you wanted to do, as an activist (and if you were a parent, as one), was to have people think what you think. I was imagining you as a father being so didactic. But I have to admit there is a truth to what you were saying. I mean, what I hope for myself as a parent is to give my children all the benefits of knowledge I have and hope that they grow grow grow beyond that (and sadly, I guess, beyond me...though I suppose I can be learning from them/with them). I don't want to force my kids to think any way or do certain things, but I want to teach them and I suppose I'll hope that they will find truth in what I think is true. This is not just about the church for me.
Sometimes my concerns that I will not find a 'suitable' husband don't relate to his church membership or testimony at all (though I am sure you realize that they often do), but just with how I want my relationship/partnership/marriage to work out. Laura and I used to talk about this some (something I really loved--I wish I had more people to talk about it with; it's not totally defined, I feel like I am grasping at whisps of stuff and want others to help me work through it all). It's something that I don't always think about, but I am struck--everytime I do think about it--about how it is so crucial to me. I guess I am afraid I'll forget about it or will be blinded to it and then enter into something with someone who turns out to be (in the worst case) a misogynist. For my own sake, I fear this, but then I do think of the children--the horror of having daughters with that sort of a man. And the horror of having sons.
Where to find such a man? Maybe he's not to be found, but to be created...haha. I can be all-wise and teach him. No, I guess I would like for it to be something we are both working on and teaching ourselves. But...well, here's a quote from the lecture that I was surprised to feel such a deep (affirmative) reaction for: "Even at his boldest man cannot get beyond a conventional anarchism. He cannot see that he is on a stage and therefore he cannot see that it is possible to get off; so that his performance is continuous. And he will perhaps never learn that anarchism is not enough. His fine phallus-proud works-of-art, his pretty masterpieces of literature, painting, sculpture and music, bear down upon woman's maternal indulgence; she is full of admiration, kind but weary. When, she sighs, will man grow up, when will he become woman, when will she have companions instead of children?" (from Laura Riding, 'The Damned Thing', Anarchism Is Not Enough, 1928)
Maybe I hope that by having daughters I can have companions?"
