2007-08-29 - 11:13 p.m.
Spencer and I set up my old computer (the one I had throughout undergrad and that Seth has had since then). I've been indulging in one of my favorite pasttimes, which is reading my old diaries, letters, and other writings.
I am struck by two things:
1) I am enthralled with my younger self. I think I really was at my most delightful as a person at age nineteen (those of you who knew me then might think otherwise).
2) I cannot believe how much I have forgotten about certain friendships and relationships. Not really things that happened, but the feelings that were there. It isn't even that I forgot that I once felt a particular way, but to read my younger self describe relationships is staggering. So staggering. Some of those people I am not really friends with anymore, or certainly not as close of friends with. There are some of these lapsed friendships that I think about often and regret, there are some I think about occcassionally with bitterness, some I think about seldom and with apathy, and some that now that I've read about them I just feel a bundle of complicated things.
I feel like I used to have so so much love to give (just like that awesome dance song), such intense attachments to people. And now? Not as much. Is it because I got married and really consolidated all that feeling into one main relationship. Is it just because intense friendships like that are mostly a teen years thing? Beats me.
But there are some people out there that I would apologize to, deeply, if I didn't feel like it was too little, too late. It would be an apology for something vague like being foolish and stubborn and not understanding certain things that I understand better now. I guess I just wish I had been a better friend and stayed a better friend, in some of these cases.
I have half a mind to put some excerpts up here...some are pretty interesting just as personal reflection, others are crazy because of who I am talking about, etc.
I love reading old stuff I've written. Feeds my ego, I'm sure! At least I know that I will thank myself for writing on year four years down the road.
